“Are you going to change?” I asked. Ben Warren, a friend who lives in my hall, and I were going to ascend the UT tower on a warm autumn day. “Why?” he asked me with a puzzled look. It was Saturday afternoon, and we had been watching the UT football game on TV. We were both wearing sweatpants and slippers. “You can’t just wear sweatpants and slippers around,” I explained. Again he replied, “Why?” After thinking for a moment, I realized that I couldn’t think of a good reason other than “no one else does.” So we headed out to the tower in our sweatpants and slippers. I’m not sure if the outfit was directly responsible, but that day turned out to be one of the most enjoyable weekends of the school year. After the tour, we met up with some other kids from our hall and ate pizza before going to see the new James Bond flick at the cinema. The entire day I felt relaxed and carefree. The next day I reflected on the occasion to try to figure out what made Saturday so pleasant. Eventually I realized that it was the first time in a long time that I had spent an entire day simply relaxing. In fact, it had been a while since I had done anything for the sole purpose of enjoying myself. The experience was so rewarding that I decided to make a deliberate effort each week to do the same thing. It was one of the best decisions I have ever made. 
I CAN TELL THAT THIS GUY IS READY TO HAVE A GREAT DAY. THE ONLY THINGS THAT COULD MAKE IT BETTER ARE SLIPPERS.
The fateful “sweatpants day” inspired me to reexamine my priorities, and has had a profound effect on my persona. Prior to the incident, I had been stuck in a rut of apathy. During my senior year in high school I managed to suppress my capacity for emotions. Applying for college was a somewhat traumatic experience, and for me there was a narrow margin of success. It had been my goal ever since I thought about the college experience to attend a school out of state. I had no qualms with the University of New Mexico, but the fact that I lived 3 minutes away from campus seemed to detract from the college experience I envisioned. In order to attend an out of state school, my parents informed me that I would need to receive enough scholarships to cover all of tuition. Although I wasn’t hopeless, the sheer difficulty of the task was intimidating and frustrating. In order to protect myself from disappointment, I adopted an apathetic view. The process was slow, but my subconscious defense mechanism was thorough; by the second semester of senior year, I didn’t have any strong feelings about anything. This is hardly an exaggeration. When I found out that I received the Dedman Scholarship, I had very limited emotional response. The lack of excitement made me feel uneasy about my decision to attend UT—was I making the right choice? Even when I tried to figure out why I felt uneasy about the decision, I dismissed the endeavor with the expression that seemed to define my existence: “whatever.”
I FELT LIKE I HAD AS MUCH EMOTION AS THIS GUY. IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN, I RECOMMEND IT--THOUGH IT IS DISTURBING.
Emotional awareness is something that I feel is intrinsic to happiness. When I forget to take a step back and examine how my actions make me feel, I inevitably feel overwhelmed. Since the beginning of this semester I have made a conscious effort to spend at least an hour a day doing something that I enjoy. One of my favorite activities is composing songs for piano. Lately, I have nocied a change in the way I approach composition, and I believe it is because of my newly egained emotional capacity. This may sound strange to non-composers, but for the first time in years I am able to hear songs I want to compose before I play them. Although it is possible for me to write songs by following music theory and generic chord progressions, pieces derived from this mechanical process are never fully satisfying to produce. I would even complain to friends about this stagnant form of composition, saying that I felt as if I was playing the same song over and over again. With my new approach, the song is driven by my feelings and intuitions instead of a rule or known chord change. The resulting songs are remarkably more personal. If the music I produce is any measure of my emotional health—and I believe it is—then my demeanor has improved tremendously from senior year.
FINALLY, I REALIZED THE SECRET TO COMPOSITION--EXPRESSING EMOTIONS!
One aspect of emotional intelligence that I have focused on since this assignment has been embracing my academic successes. My typical response to grades (especially from architecture) is to dismiss them; if I receive a low mark, I immediately put it behind me and focus on the next project—if I receive a high mark, I do the same. With this method I never fully appreciated the lessons that can be learned from each assignment. Instead I tread tirelessly through each course, working on each project as if it is pointless, nonessential busywork that stands between me and my degree. On Tuesday, we turned in two drawings in which we drafted parts from model airplane kits. At the end of the review, my drawings were selected to hang in the lobby of the school. My immediate response was to ignore the obvious compliment. “I can’t believe they chose mine; there are so many better ones. Whatever.” On my way back to the studio, several students congratulated me on my success. After the third compliment, I realized that there was something fundamentally wrong with my response. It was almost as if I was refusing to rejoice in my success so I wouldn’t be disappointed when my work wasn’t selected from the next assignment. What, then, was I working for? If I didn’t strive to be noticed and praised by the professors, I was setting myself up for failure; even if I produced high-quality work, there was no reward. I decided to enjoy the spotlight, and called my number one fans for a little encouragement. “They’re putting them in the FRONT? Send me a picture! Here, tell Dad,” exclaimed my mother. Their excitement fueled mine, and the endless work demanded by architecture seemed slightly less trivial.
ONE OF MY DRAWINGS THAT WAS SELECTED TO HANG IN THE LOBBY. I'VE REALIZED THAT ITS OK TO BE PROUD OF MY SUCCESSES!
If I haven’t made it clear already, I want to state it plainly: I am happy. By turning inwards and sorting things out in my own heart, I have gained an awareness of the emotions all around me. For example, last Sunday I attended church after constant pressure from my mom. I am still working out what I believe myself, and have dubious feelings about the role of the church. Most of the time I feel that mass is pointless and only attended out of obligation, but I saw something during the ceremony that erased my doubts. During one of the songs, the man in front of me was singing along quietly. He was moving subtly with the music, which at first annoyed me. As I watched, mostly to see if he was going to annoy me more, he turned his head slightly and I could see that he was smiling. Immediately my emotions changed; this man was happy, and whether it was because of the song, his faith, or the community around him was irrelevant. I was overcome with happiness, and I realized that the church, regardless of my qualms, was an essential part of the world for this reason alone. Even if there is no God, even if faith is as pointless as our human existence, it brings people happiness and guidance and love, and there is no basis to destroy an institution that provides these things. Each day I notice instances that resemble my church experience; the world, though it has its ugly sides, is full of beautiful things.
LISTEN IN PARTICULAR TO THE PART WHERE HE DESCRIBES BEAUTY FLOWING THROUGH HIM--THIS DESCRIPTION INSPIRED ME TO LOOK FOR IT IN EVERYDAY LIFE. BELIEVE IT OR NOT, ITS THERE.
I have decided to make it my priority to enjoy these things. Don’t get me wrong—I do get upset, annoyed, and have every desire to experience the full range of human emotion. My intention is to embrace everything for what it is, and realize that it all comes together to form our tragically futile lives. Every day we are faced with decisions regarding our emotional states. It is easy to dwell on our failures, become irate with mistakes and incompetence, or curse the injustice that seems to pervade our existence. However, it is just as easy to realize that shortcomings can be improved, that people are all doing their best to enjoy what they have, and to make a positive effort to deal with the situations we find ourselves in. I know, it sounds cheesy. But if you do it right, by staying honest with yourself and true to your emotions, the happiness is real—and worth it.
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