Mersault

I FELT LIKE THIS DUDE...A VERY MILD VERSION, BUT A VERSION NONETHELESS.

At the beginning of last semester I drifted through the days in an unfamiliar emotional state. For the first time I found myself lacking any type of feelings—good or bad. After reading the excerpt from “The Man Without Feelings”, I realized that I had been in a milder state of Gary’s alexithymia. I could identify perfectly with his statement, “I have no strong feelings, either positive or negative.”[1] This mindset was disturbing and frustrating, but it seemed like I couldn’t escape; anytime I sat and tried to figure out was going on, I would eventually lose the train of thought due to apathy. When I tried to explain it to people the closest example I could come up with was Meursault from Camus’ The Stranger. This was ironic and embarrassing for me because when I read that book, I abhorred that character. Luckily I am back to normal, though remnants of the alter ego remain and are probably what allow me to have a “chill” state of mind.

LIFE IS EASIER WHEN YOU'RE CHILL--AND MUCH LESS FULFILLING.

The transition into this colorless mood was slow and unnoticeable. It started during my senior year of high school about the time of college applications. As I reflect on it now, I realize that it was most likely a defensive reaction to the stressful time. College applications are pretty disturbing if you think about it; someone determines your overall worth by simply looking at test scores, grades, and an essay. It is disturbing because it doesn’t seem possible to do, yet it determines a profound part of one’s life. During this time I was careful to not get my hopes up too high. I wanted to get out of state, but this would require a hefty amount of scholarships—the kind where the chances of winning them are depressingly slim. In order to protect my emotions, I adapted the mindset that I didn’t care anymore. This soon transferred to my opinion of high school. Grades were suddenly less important and being number one was an afterthought. This technique is effective, but the consequences are unnerving. Not only was my life less enjoyable, I likely appeared to be aloof to others. Rick Deckard despises this quality in androids, and when he describes the demanor of the andriod he is hunting he says that "[It's] always the same: great intellect, the ability to accomplish much, but also this. He deplored it."[1.5]

I TURNED INTO A ZOMBIE TO PROTECT MYSELF. IT WAS GOOD UNTIL I REALIZED THAT I WAS A ZOMBIE.

In a sense I became an android myself. Instead of working to achieve my emotional goals I got into the habit of simply trying to make do with what happened, whatever that happened to be. Even my ability to have compassion was dampened—although I could pity my friends, I was never really “moved…by the desire to relieve it.”[2] As a result, life was much less disappointing, but inevitably less exciting. Even when I found out that I received the Dedman Scholarship, I had no real feelings about it. The only thing I had was “now what?” It was hard for me to make any decisions with confidence because I had no emotional response to the situations. Because of this I was never sure if I was “happy” with my decision to attend UT.

I WOULD OFTEN TELL PEOPLE HOW HAPPY I WAS WITH MY DECISION, BUT IN REALITY I FELT LIKE THIS OLD GUY.

Luckily my emotions have been returning to me. Maybe it’s because of this class, or maybe it’s because I’m returning to a comfortable emotional state, but I have realized my priorities in life and am slowly moving towards my new goals. In response to the prompt, I am not sure if I would have considered myself “human” during this period in my life. Today, I am working towards leading the most human and fulfilling life I can. It is much more enjoyable to have these goals, and I hope I don’t lose touch with my emotions again.

[1] A 62

[1.5] Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep, 100
[2] A 41