When I was younger, I had a very unique take on the idea of working "with" people. It was essentially a battle of wits, but I was the only one fighting. My goal was to use as many of my ideas for my school projects as possible. I was sure remain polite and open to ideas, but I only left aspects that I didn't particularly care about to be decided by my peers. Otherwise, it was my way or the highway. I cringe when I think about it today.
I WAS A SELF PROCLAIMED LEADER
Simply put I was an extremely competetive youngster. Everything was a test, and unless I got first I failed. I remember my heart rate accelerating before games of monopoly or scrabble. What if I didn't win? I would calm myself down by thinking of strategies and mistakes that I had made in the past. When I neared my last dollars, I would frequently stand, point fingers, demand rerolls, and even shout. It was really quite rediculous, and I was somewhat aware of that at the time. It didn't really matter.
THIS WAS MY BATTLEGROUND
One day, however, everything changed. It was when I was in middle school, and we were split into groups for a debate. I happened to be assigned to a group with an equally "driven" person. From the moment we sat down she was dictating everything that we would be doing. She claimed the best roles for herself and threw the rest to us like half eaten scraps. I was appalled. WHO did she think she was? She hurt my feelings, ruined the project, and --this is the worst part-- did everything that I would have done. Normally I would have seen this as a minor setback, a mere bump in the road. Not this time. Maybe it was because it was nearing summer, or maybe it was because of my eighth grade wisdom, but for some reason this time I sat back and reflected on how much of an ass I had been making of myself for the past 6 years. It was unnerving. I was really "that guy".
I WAS THE ONE ON THE LEFT
I slowly developed a perspective that was much grander than before. Monopoly games were a completely different experience for me: if I didn't win, I didn't care. It was fun to scrap for the right properties, but when the time came for me to sell my last morgage I was still having fun. School projects were also more enjoyable and much easier. I talked with my fellow classmates and asked them what jobs they wanted to do. Sometimes their choices would clash with my wants and sometimes they wouldn't, but I usually didn't mind if they ended up with my first choice. I realized that no matter what job I was assigned I would be able to do it, and in the long run I wouldn't really care about it. The result was the the important part; in this case it was the grade. After several projects a pattern developed- my groups almost always got A's. I realized that when everyone was doing what they wanted, they end result was more compelling. As Covey states in his book, "The essence of synergy is to value differences--to respect them, build on strengths, to compensate for weaknesses."[1] People used their strenghths to add to a successful project. And I got a lot more sleep.
A GRIM OUTLOOK ON TEAMWORK
This new approach to groupwork eventually spread to my other interactions with people. I realized that never had strong enough feelings about having a particular role to compromise my friendship with my peers. I developed the sympathetic imagination, and was able to truly relate with people. I no longer related with people by tolerating them, I related by understanding them. "As we have no immediate experience of what other men feel, we can form no idea of the manner in which they are affected, but by conceiving what we ourselves should feel in the like situation."[2] This technique, as described by Adam Smith, enabled me to see beyond my immediate wants and visualize my real goals. I began to cherish my friendships and family, and realized that these relationships were the things that I cared about. Goethe sums it up beatifully in this one-liner: "Things which matter most must never be at the mercy of things which matter least."[3] Don't get me wrong, I still fought with my brothers, pissed off my friends, and got over eager during video games and bad referees. It was the frequency of these explosions that diminished, and the time it took for me to realize my errors was much quicker.
Essentially, my childhood was misguided by my inability to trust others. My rationalizations were based off of my previous successes- "How can these other students do as good as me? I ALWAYS get A's." Once I learned how to trust my peers, I tapped into a resource that Covey values greatly. "Trust is the highest form of human motivation. It brings out the very best in people."[4] Today, I have no issues trusting peers during projects or group efforts. It has made my life easier, my relationships stronger, and has done anything but compromised my success. Afterall, everyone is invested in a group effort, and it is fairly rare to meet someone who doesn't care if they fail. Hopefully I can continue with this confidence in others as I go through college. Architects are forced to cooperate, and I can't wait for the process. With my current mindset the process should be fun and successful.
[1]: Stephen R. Covey, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People (New York: Free Press, 2004), p.263
[2]: Walter Jackson Bate, “The Sympathetic Imagination in Eighteenth-Century English Criticism” ELH, Vol. 12, No. 2 (Jun., 1945), pp. 144-164.
[3]: Covey, 146
[4]: Covey, 178
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