The other day I wrote a poem for the first time since the beginning of summer. My immediate thoughts after I finished were somewhat disturbing; I was certain that I was doing the wrong thing with my life. I love to compose music, and it is one of the most peaceful activities I can imagine doing. Lyric writing is something I started experimenting with junior year and it has also become a pastime of equal tranquility. This particular day I was certain that it would be so much more fulfilling if I were to suspend all other activities in order to focus on these passions. How amazing would it be to produce music for a career? I could be the next Ben Gibbard (not really!) The feeling only lasted a moment, but the thought lingers in my mind still. 
BEN GIBBARD IS A SONGWRITER THAT INSPIRES ME TO WRITE
Even with all of the “freedom” in college, I find that I have almost no time to devote to music. My double-major has a knack for devouring all of my free moments (after finishing this, I have to go do five sketches of an eggbeater. Yes!) The few times I do get to play, I feel uncomfortable composing. It is usually a very redundant process and I feel sorry for the students studying in the lobbies. Today while reading Jude it occurred to me that I feel somewhat like Jude. He wants so badly to go to college, yet all of his attempts fail. He is unable to gain his most basic desire. After careful examination, however, I found that we are in very different situations. Jude wants to go to Christminster with all of his heart, and commits all of his energy towards it (especially if there isn’t a lady around.) “Hence I must next concentrate all my energies on settling in Christminster.”[1] I am doing the opposite; I have the ability to indulge in music, and have committed all of my energy to college. Again, Jude fails when he arrives in Christminster for the first time, despite his driven work ethic. I am afraid of failure, so I am pursuing something which I consider a safer path. It is hard to say whose position is more pathetic.
THIS IS WHAT STANDS BETWEEN ME AND MUSIC
I am not saying that am dissatisfied with my current situation, which I have been enjoying greatly. Architecture is growing more enjoyable each day, and the liberal arts are something I have always wanted to study. Still, there are just some moments when I wish that music could be a more important in my life. Tonight, for example—not that I have anything against eggbeaters. Yet like Jude resisting the sexual allure of his cousin, I fight the temptation of those black and white keys. Decent grades are necessary for me to keep my scholarship, so I don’t have the breathing room to overindulge.
AS ALLURING AS A HOT COUSIN
After missing music and romantically envisioning how life could have been, I realized why I decided not to study music in the first place. To me, music is simply a personal stress reliever. I have no desire to become famous, to play in front of loving fans, or to make ungodly amounts of money (although this is a common misconception—even some ‘famous’ musicians struggle financially.) I realized that while I was considering dropping out I nearly fell into a dangerous trap. Poor Jude did the same, and “his failure to distinguish between [image and reality] lead to disaster.”[2] Music, especially of the singer/songwriter sort, is an intensely trying career path. My vision of my career as a musician was skewed unrealistic. Before applying to college, I decided that music would still be part of my life but not my career. If all goes as planned, I can use it as an escape instead of as a support.
TALENT DOESN'T ALWAYS MEAN SUCCESS (I love his sad face)
It is hard for me to say if I am even going to stay with architecture. Like every college student, every day I find something that I think is interesting. The current path I am on gives me little room to explore, but Plan II’s requirements are going to force me to explore other areas of study—something I am grateful for. Perhaps after college my life will reflect that of Thomas Hardy. Instead of “giving up architecture for writing,” I’ll give it up for music.[3] Of course I can’t be sure of anything. Until I make those choices, my goal is to stay focused and strive for success in all of my endeavors. I am aware that it is important to focus, but quite frankly I’m not sure if I want to just yet. Or if I can.
IN JUDE'S CASE, IT WAS "COLLEGE OR COUSINS"
[1] Hardy 32
[2] X 638
[3] X 659
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