Following My Delusions

The other day I wrote a poem for the first time since the beginning of summer. My immediate thoughts after I finished were somewhat disturbing; I was certain that I was doing the wrong thing with my life. I love to compose music, and it is one of the most peaceful activities I can imagine doing. Lyric writing is something I started experimenting with junior year and it has also become a pastime of equal tranquility. This particular day I was certain that it would be so much more fulfilling if I were to suspend all other activities in order to focus on these passions. How amazing would it be to produce music for a career? I could be the next Ben Gibbard (not really!) The feeling only lasted a moment, but the thought lingers in my mind still.

BEN GIBBARD IS A SONGWRITER THAT INSPIRES ME TO WRITE

Even with all of the “freedom” in college, I find that I have almost no time to devote to music. My double-major has a knack for devouring all of my free moments (after finishing this, I have to go do five sketches of an eggbeater. Yes!) The few times I do get to play, I feel uncomfortable composing. It is usually a very redundant process and I feel sorry for the students studying in the lobbies. Today while reading Jude it occurred to me that I feel somewhat like Jude. He wants so badly to go to college, yet all of his attempts fail. He is unable to gain his most basic desire. After careful examination, however, I found that we are in very different situations. Jude wants to go to Christminster with all of his heart, and commits all of his energy towards it (especially if there isn’t a lady around.) “Hence I must next concentrate all my energies on settling in Christminster.”[1] I am doing the opposite; I have the ability to indulge in music, and have committed all of my energy to college. Again, Jude fails when he arrives in Christminster for the first time, despite his driven work ethic. I am afraid of failure, so I am pursuing something which I consider a safer path. It is hard to say whose position is more pathetic.

THIS IS WHAT STANDS BETWEEN ME AND MUSIC

I am not saying that am dissatisfied with my current situation, which I have been enjoying greatly. Architecture is growing more enjoyable each day, and the liberal arts are something I have always wanted to study. Still, there are just some moments when I wish that music could be a more important in my life. Tonight, for example—not that I have anything against eggbeaters. Yet like Jude resisting the sexual allure of his cousin, I fight the temptation of those black and white keys. Decent grades are necessary for me to keep my scholarship, so I don’t have the breathing room to overindulge.

AS ALLURING AS A HOT COUSIN

After missing music and romantically envisioning how life could have been, I realized why I decided not to study music in the first place. To me, music is simply a personal stress reliever. I have no desire to become famous, to play in front of loving fans, or to make ungodly amounts of money (although this is a common misconception—even some ‘famous’ musicians struggle financially.) I realized that while I was considering dropping out I nearly fell into a dangerous trap. Poor Jude did the same, and “his failure to distinguish between [image and reality] lead to disaster.”[2] Music, especially of the singer/songwriter sort, is an intensely trying career path. My vision of my career as a musician was skewed unrealistic. Before applying to college, I decided that music would still be part of my life but not my career. If all goes as planned, I can use it as an escape instead of as a support.

TALENT DOESN'T ALWAYS MEAN SUCCESS (I love his sad face)

It is hard for me to say if I am even going to stay with architecture. Like every college student, every day I find something that I think is interesting. The current path I am on gives me little room to explore, but Plan II’s requirements are going to force me to explore other areas of study—something I am grateful for. Perhaps after college my life will reflect that of Thomas Hardy. Instead of “giving up architecture for writing,” I’ll give it up for music.[3] Of course I can’t be sure of anything. Until I make those choices, my goal is to stay focused and strive for success in all of my endeavors. I am aware that it is important to focus, but quite frankly I’m not sure if I want to just yet. Or if I can.

IN JUDE'S CASE, IT WAS "COLLEGE OR COUSINS"

[1] Hardy 32
[2] X 638
[3] X 659

There Goes Bill!

HERE WE GO.

It would almost be appropriate to include an arch in every university under which the only entrance to the school is located. Engraved around the top would be a simple phrase: “The Rabbit Hole.” That would be a nice warning of the long, confusing journey that is to follow.

One of the most striking similarities between my stay here and Alice’s adventure is my inability to understand the logic of the inhabitants of this land—namely, professors. Each teacher seems to have their own perception of reality, time, and importance. Typically, they believe all three are at their infinite disposal. Even when I feel that I have got the hang of things, I find myself facing dead ends and dead stares. My Design I professors have constantly stressed the ability to look at things holistically and without subjectivity, and at one point I was certain that I had accomplished this. The result was not unlike Alice’s attempt to reason with the Queens’ perception of “subtraction”; “ ‘Then you think nothing would remain?’ said the Red Queen. ‘I think that’s the answer.’ ‘Wrong, as usual,’ said the Red Queen” (Alice 254). Only this time it is my temper that remains, not the dog’s.

JUST WHEN YOU THINK YOU UNDERSTAND THE PROBLEM, YOU FIND THERE ISN'T AN ANSWER

At other times it seems that I’m working my fingers to the bone to stay in a caucus race. There is one such teacher that coins himself as the leader, and it isn’t without a degree of accuracy. Why just the other day (or is my memory working backwards? It really would be more pleasant that way) we were told to prepare for a test with minute intervals per question, and minute details for answers! The challenge was (or is?) so maddening that I found myself reading in circles. Hopefully by the time the test comes, I’ll “[have] done all the screaming already,” although I fear that I’ll “have it all over again” when the grade is returned (Alice 198).

THE BROOCH IS THE TEST, AND MY FINGER IS...WELL, MY FINGER! SO...

WHY ARE WE DOING THIS AGAIN?

And how can I ignore the almost unnerving blur between the fact and assumption that puzzles me each day in biology? When I raise my hand to ask a question, I feel like I’m crawling down a chimney towards an enormous shoe. “There goes Bill!” I can almost hear the class say as the teacher scolds me for not paying attention (Alice 43). I only wish that I could nibble on my left handed mushroom to escape the glares of my peers (Alice 52). Still, even if my question is relevant and shared by the minds of my fellow students, the result, though less embarrassing, is more confusing. The answers to my inquiries rival those of the mad hatter in their ambiguity. I swear that I’ve even heard the following answer, adapted from the annotations of Alice: “Because there’s a b in both, and because there’s an n in neither” (Alice 72). My follow up question, of course, was “Does that mean there’s an e in each?” (Alice 72). The teacher wasn’t sure.

THERE GOES RUSS!

So as the days wind on I find myself changing sizes to fit the needs and standards of these strange rulers of an imaginary land, and I feel as genuine as a calf in a shell. Hopefully I’ll not consider my verdict of this detached reality before the evidence is evidenced. Still, I feel that the closest I’ve come to success thus far is the remembering of my name. One day I’ll wake up from this dreamy state and long to return to wonderland (just as Alice’s sister does), but this doesn’t help my current dilemma. Right now my goal is to simply survive the first years; the rest, I’m told, is sure to follow. It truly is a wonderful experience, and it is a shame that it is as temporary as Lewis Carroll’s love for little girls. Hopefully I won't hear the bitter voice of the queen as I walk the line five years from now: “—and just take his head off outside” (Alice 116). Wish me luck.

How to be Famous

There are several aspects of my personality that will have to change before I can be a leader in the dynamic field of architecture. It will not only require passion; to be a successful architect I will need to be technologically keen, efficient with my design, and be able to convince my clients to opt for sustainable architecture. In order to remain current with new technologies, I must be familiar with the economics of these products and involved with engineers that are capable of implementing them. To do this I will need to acquire communication and networking skills during my education at UT. If I want to produce efficient designs my studio will need good morale and tangible goals. To secure these aspects, I must have people management skills and the ability to execute rigorous organization and scheduling. In order to justify the initial extra costs that are associated with green architecture I will need to be convincing. Rhetoric is an essential tool that every architect must have, but I must also develop an architectural vocabulary. One of the most effective ways to do this is by critiquing architecture and knowing what makes form aesthetically pleasing. If I can master these three skills, I will have the tools to excel as a leader in the field. However, I need to remain true to my ideals during my practice. I must also work to obtain notable and influential contracts. Keeping these lofty goals in sight will help me push myself to my limits.

When an architect begins their design for a project, they have to keep two things in mind. The first, of course, is creating spaces that are appropriate and beautiful. This requires a trained mind and the ability to push one’s perception of a building. Truly beautiful architecture doesn’t merely satisfy requirements; it defines an area and produces spaces that lend themselves completely to their intended uses. The second aspect that the architect must adhere to is the budget set by the client. Exceptional architects can inspire the owner to increase the budget, but there is a certain point where sacrifices will be made. These sacrifices, if done properly, do not compromise the function of the building. Jester Dormitory, as any resident can tell, is a truly oppressing housing structure that resulted from a low budget. To avoid this pitfall, I will need to have a thorough knowledge of different materials, their qualities, and their cost. Even low cost materials, if they are intentionally used, can be beautiful in their own right.[1] The University of Texas Architecture Department has an excellent materials lab that serves this exact purpose. Although I have not needed to search for materials yet, there will be projects in my future design classes that will require thorough investigations in construction. It is crucial for me to explore sustainable and recyclable materials during these assignments. Otherwise, I will miss opportunities to see these products and their uses. By going through my education with the intent to stay environmentally conscious, I will be able to explore green architecture more extensively.


THIS INSULATION IS MADE FROM SOY AND IS BIODEGRADABLE.

In order to find engineers that can help me use cutting-edge technology, I will need to be able to network effectively. This requires the ability to relate with people and make personal connections quickly. At first I assumed that I would need excellent speaking skills in order to be successful at this. I quickly realized that this was the opposite of what I need to do; listening skills are what people remember. During our classes’ tour of the football stadium, Jimbo said that “Every once and a while you encounter someone that makes you feel like you’re the only person in a room.” Bill Clinton, the man Jimbo was describing, made a lasting impression because of his ability to truly listen. Interactions that induce these firm memories are made by using sympathetic imagination. By utilizing this style of empathetic listening one can create strong personal bonds. Covey observes that “When you listen with empathy to another person, you give that person psychological ‘air’ [that is necessary for survival]. After that vital need is met, you can then focus on influencing or problem solving.”[2] By using this powerful skill I will be able to connect with the people around me and work toward my goals.

THAT PERSON PROBABLY FEELS LIKE THE ONLY PERSON IN THE ROOM.

People management is closely related to networking, but it requires a much more personal and lasting relationship. The studio setting is one of collaboration and synergy; if the designers within the studio don’t enjoy being there or around their colleagues, projects will suffer. I have found that having fun is a great way to relate with people. I always try to keep a lighthearted atmosphere when working on projects because when I enjoy being somewhere, my ideas flow better. Also, a studio with open communication will be able to work together effectively. Covey states that synergistic communication means that “you are simply opening your mind and heart to new possibilities, new alternatives, [and] new options.”[3] This type of cooperation and idea-sharing is perfect for architecture. By creating a tightly woven community—especially one that is lighthearted and enjoyable—the efficiency of the workers will be increased.

FRANK GEHRY IS KNOWN FOR PUSHING HIS FELLOW DESIGNERS-SOMETIMES TOO HARD.

Time management is probably my weakest trait. My mind is typically only motivated when the consequences are dire. Unfortunately, procrastination can mean failure when it comes to designing projects. Even in the few architecture assignments I have had, there has been a reoccurring pattern: the more time I spend exploring different possibilities, the better the result is. Design projects, especially ones that require intimate detail, often only materialize after repeated experiments. Unless I start working on the projects prior to their deadline, the amount of exploration I can do is greatly reduced. In order to avoid this problem as a professional, I need to be able to set definite goals over manageable time periods. As a procrastination veteran I realize that great strides can be made during crunch time, but when it comes to winning or losing big contracts it is too risky to leave the design to chance. College is already teaching me that cramming is a high school phenomenon— hopefully it won’t be a problem for me by the time I graduate. It is my personal goal to be able to finish projects, papers, and studying with ample time before the deadlines.

I ONLY THINK ABOUT IT WHEN I DON'T HAVE IT.

The final step in producing architecture is perhaps the most important one. Unless the architect can convince the client that a building is worth building, their efforts are futile. This talent of “selling the building” is particularly challenging due to the fact that the building doesn’t exist. An architect needs to be able to transport the client into the building by describing the total sensual experience. Larry Speck, a respected Austin architect and professor, is a master of this technique. He has a powerful vocabulary that can make two-dimensional slides seem three-dimensional in the mind’s eye. He can also find beauty in every structure—a skill that is almost annoying. For example, in class he analyzed the form of Le Centre Pompidou. I am firmly opposed to the building and find it quite repulsive,

LE CENTRE POMPIDOU IS UGLY AND POINTLESS. YET I WANTED TO SEE IT.

but for a moment he made me appreciate it. He described the uninterrupted, sweeping spaces inside that were made possible by locating the utilities on the exterior of the building. I suddenly had a strong desire to see inside of the building, to experience those open spaces (though I was quickly disappointed by the photos of the interior.) Still, for a moment Speck was able to produce strong feelings of curiosity and wonder in me. His mastery of pathos is a skill that he can use to influence his clients, and has probably been a catalyst for his career. Even though green architecture is gaining popularity and merit, it will be hard to motivate customers to spend more money without strong arguments. Green architecture will not be influential until it exists; the ability to sell it is of upmost importance.

If I can truly master the abilities outlined by this paper, there is no doubt in my mind that I will be able to succeed in architecture. Whether or not I will be influential in the field is a completely different matter. There are countless talented architects around the world that produce beautiful works, and usually they receive recognition among fellow architects. These architects are well respected, and I will be thrilled if I can achieve their success. However, their work does not make the strong statement that is necessary to raise awareness about sustainable architecture. If I want to make people around the world think about green architecture, to truly explore its benefits and motivations, I will need to achieve a superstar status. Stardom is a goal that is stumbled upon more often than it is worked for, so I understand the loftiness of my proposition. Even a successful career could pass completely under the radar. Still, there are some fundamental ideals that I believe can lead to that degree of popularity. The first is to challenge what is accepted. I will need to lose my inhibitions when it comes to the accepted qualities of a building and release my creativity. The fear of failure is crippling, and will be difficult to overcome. When I lose this fear my architecture will reach its full potential. The second ideal is to stay true to my beliefs. If I do not firmly support the architecture that appears with my name on it, then my intended message will be weakened. Herzog and De Mueron, a partnership of architects that is revered world-wide, displayed this fortitude during the designing of the Blanton Art Museum here in Austin. The architects refused to compromise their submittal to the degree asked by the board of regents, and as a result they were fired. One year later, they utilized their ideas from the Blanton project on the De Young museum, and gained instant stardom for the building.[4]



TEXAS SACRIFICED GREAT ARCHITECTURE FOR UNITY--OF ROOFS.


Although it is obvious that my architecture courses are helping me towards my overall goal, it is harder to find direct benefits from my Plan II courses. Still, the classes I am taking in liberal arts are very important to me. My vision of my university experience includes becoming a well rounded person, both academically and emotionally. The required classes for my degree will expose me to the world and help me realize the context of my life. Also, having a wide base of knowledge will enable me to relate with a larger variety of people during my career. I don’t see these classes as a burden, but as a chance to help me focus on what is really important to me. I will cherish the educational opportunities made possible by my Plan II major.

I am nowhere near to being an influential architect; I’m not even sure what it means to design a building. As I go through school my understanding about sustainable architecture will deepen, and I will be able to see new patterns and steps that are necessary to achieve my goal. The other abilities outlined in this paper will not only help with architecture, but with any profession I decide to pursue. Effective networking, time management, organizational and people skills are important tools for any walk of life. When I do learn them, they will become invaluable tools for achieving my influential position in the green architecture world. I stand on the edge of a vast sea of knowledge; all I can do now is swim.

[1] In the Russell A. Steindam Hall at UT, I noticed that the linoleum in certain classrooms is arranged in a unique diamond pattern. The tiles are also about three 3’ by 3’, a much larger size than usual. The result is a floor that appears intentional instead of economic.
[2] Covey. 240
[3] Covey 264
[4] The designers refused to add a “red-tile roof” to their project, the only problem the board of regents needed changed. The tile roof would have been a compromise to their design, and they were adamant about staying true to their concept of a beautiful museum.

Role Heroes

HANG IN THERE GUYS, THERE WILL BE

A LOT MORE HERO ESSAYS.

Ever since I have been a part of formal education, there has been an essay prompt more common than the common cold. Either it’s a hot topic among teachers and admissions counselors around the country, or no one is creative enough to think a new prompt, but every seems to want to know who my hero is. This is the slightest bit annoying, considering the fact that I don’t think I have a stereotypical hero. The person I look up to the most never risked his life, ran into flaming buildings, or defeated an evil empire. My grandfather simply was an amazing man, and I have yet to find someone who was surrounded by as much love as he was. He was generous, compassionate, and had a wonderful sense of humor. But does this make him a hero?

APPARENTLY, THIS GUY IS A HERO

Dictionary.com defines a hero as someone who is brave, courageous, or noble, or someone who has committed an act of heroism. I never witnessed my grandfather rescue someone from a robbery, save a dying man, or commit a so-called act of ‘heroism.’ The biggest risk I saw him take was regularly giving to the poor, although he was still able to lead a comfortable life. I guess this makes him ‘noble’, but this can’t be the only criteria for a hero. Otherwise hero and noble would have identical definitions, which just isn’t right. Now you can see the dilemma I face each time the state wanted to test my writing aptitude; is my grandpa a hero?

The writing standards in New Mexico are fairly low (among the lowest in the country), so I wasn’t too worried about my scores as a bs’d my way through the essay. I would simply write about my role model instead of my hero, and would sometimes substitute the words without care. Still, it bothered me that all the children around me seemed to be furiously writing about their heroes. Is a baseball player a hero? Is a draft dodger a hero? Around the fifth time writing the essay, I realized that the problem wasn’t with the prompt, it was with the word.
Hero. Someone who commits heroic acts. That definition would confuse any poor third grader trying to write their hero essay.

'SO A HERO ACTS LIKE A HERO?'

In my opinion, prompt writers have mistakenly switched the definition of a hero with the definition of a role model. That, or I have lead a very unique life. I know very few people that are heroes by the normal definition, unless we count people that have gained national recognition. Louis Pasteur, for example, was a pioneer in the development of vaccines. But if I wrote a college application essay about how proud I am of Louis, admissions counselors would learn very little about my personality. However, if I described the values and qualities of my role model, my grandfather, I feel like they would gain a deeper insight as to ‘who I am.’ So why do they keep asking the same question?

THIS GUY DEVOTED HIS LIFE TO FIGHTING DISEASE.

HE'S ONE OF MY HEROES, BUT REPRESENTS NOTHING ABOUT ME.


Even the heroes described by Margaret Cousins were not necessarily heroes. She seemed to respect them deeply as shown by her detailed descriptions. “Dr. James B. Wharey who taught ‘The English Novel,’…seemed to me [to] know everything.” (X 945). However, to me this does not qualify as a selfless act, bravery, or that nebulous definition of a ‘heroic act.’ Even the heroes at UT, although there are some definite heroes, seem to be mostly composed of people that had to face adversity. Their success was the result of their work, and the driven by a completely selfish view. McCombs became rich as hell then gave money away, Bean flew to the moon, Crier became a journalist. When asked if she keeps up with college friend, Crier’s response was “Sure, they’re scattered all over the country. I think Texas did a pretty good job of preparing us to meet the world” (985). She went from judge to journalist and she keeps up with her friends?!

HOW TO BE AN INSTANT HERO.

Although I am exaggerating the facts, there is a bit of truth behind it all. Hero is a distinction that means (at least to me) someone has made huge personal self sacrifices for others. Prompt writers and students around the nation would do well to separated ‘hero’ and ‘role model’. They are far from being the same thing.

If the World's at Large, Why Should I Remain?

When I was younger, I had a very unique take on the idea of working "with" people. It was essentially a battle of wits, but I was the only one fighting. My goal was to use as many of my ideas for my school projects as possible. I was sure remain polite and open to ideas, but I only left aspects that I didn't particularly care about to be decided by my peers. Otherwise, it was my way or the highway. I cringe when I think about it today.

I WAS A SELF PROCLAIMED LEADER

Simply put I was an extremely competetive youngster. Everything was a test, and unless I got first I failed. I remember my heart rate accelerating before games of monopoly or scrabble. What if I didn't win? I would calm myself down by thinking of strategies and mistakes that I had made in the past. When I neared my last dollars, I would frequently stand, point fingers, demand rerolls, and even shout. It was really quite rediculous, and I was somewhat aware of that at the time. It didn't really matter.

THIS WAS MY BATTLEGROUND

One day, however, everything changed. It was when I was in middle school, and we were split into groups for a debate. I happened to be assigned to a group with an equally "driven" person. From the moment we sat down she was dictating everything that we would be doing. She claimed the best roles for herself and threw the rest to us like half eaten scraps. I was appalled. WHO did she think she was? She hurt my feelings, ruined the project, and --this is the worst part-- did everything that I would have done. Normally I would have seen this as a minor setback, a mere bump in the road. Not this time. Maybe it was because it was nearing summer, or maybe it was because of my eighth grade wisdom, but for some reason this time I sat back and reflected on how much of an ass I had been making of myself for the past 6 years. It was unnerving. I was really "that guy".

I WAS THE ONE ON THE LEFT

I slowly developed a perspective that was much grander than before. Monopoly games were a completely different experience for me: if I didn't win, I didn't care. It was fun to scrap for the right properties, but when the time came for me to sell my last morgage I was still having fun. School projects were also more enjoyable and much easier. I talked with my fellow classmates and asked them what jobs they wanted to do. Sometimes their choices would clash with my wants and sometimes they wouldn't, but I usually didn't mind if they ended up with my first choice. I realized that no matter what job I was assigned I would be able to do it, and in the long run I wouldn't really care about it. The result was the the important part; in this case it was the grade. After several projects a pattern developed- my groups almost always got A's. I realized that when everyone was doing what they wanted, they end result was more compelling. As Covey states in his book, "The essence of synergy is to value differences--to respect them, build on strengths, to compensate for weaknesses."[1] People used their strenghths to add to a successful project. And I got a lot more sleep.

A GRIM OUTLOOK ON TEAMWORK

This new approach to groupwork eventually spread to my other interactions with people. I realized that never had strong enough feelings about having a particular role to compromise my friendship with my peers. I developed the sympathetic imagination, and was able to truly relate with people. I no longer related with people by tolerating them, I related by understanding them. "As we have no immediate experience of what other men feel, we can form no idea of the manner in which they are affected, but by conceiving what we ourselves should feel in the like situation."[2] This technique, as described by Adam Smith, enabled me to see beyond my immediate wants and visualize my real goals. I began to cherish my friendships and family, and realized that these relationships were the things that I cared about. Goethe sums it up beatifully in this one-liner: "Things which matter most must never be at the mercy of things which matter least."[3] Don't get me wrong, I still fought with my brothers, pissed off my friends, and got over eager during video games and bad referees. It was the frequency of these explosions that diminished, and the time it took for me to realize my errors was much quicker.






Essentially, my childhood was misguided by my inability to trust others. My rationalizations were based off of my previous successes- "How can these other students do as good as me? I ALWAYS get A's." Once I learned how to trust my peers, I tapped into a resource that Covey values greatly. "Trust is the highest form of human motivation. It brings out the very best in people."[4] Today, I have no issues trusting peers during projects or group efforts. It has made my life easier, my relationships stronger, and has done anything but compromised my success. Afterall, everyone is invested in a group effort, and it is fairly rare to meet someone who doesn't care if they fail. Hopefully I can continue with this confidence in others as I go through college. Architects are forced to cooperate, and I can't wait for the process. With my current mindset the process should be fun and successful.

[1]: Stephen R. Covey, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People (New York: Free Press, 2004), p.263

[2]: Walter Jackson Bate, “The Sympathetic Imagination in Eighteenth-Century English Criticism” ELH, Vol. 12, No. 2 (Jun., 1945), pp. 144-164.

[3]: Covey, 146

[4]: Covey, 178